Carry on.

I wasn't going to go into detail really about what exactly had happened, I wanted to just accept it and move on. I have been shown so much support and love from everyone, that I want to help in any way I can.

I know there's a lot of people who have suffered through miscarriages themselves and also a lot who haven't and are curious about it. I'm hoping this can help someone in some way, whether it be to educate, help understand, help cope, or whatever.

1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Surprised? Me too. It seems unreal that it's that common. However, at 12 weeks, the risk goes down from 22% to 6%, and at 20 weeks it goes to less than 2%. Miscarriages are common, heartbreaking and scary. But don't let that keep you from trying to conceive or let it worry you about current?future pregnancies. 95% of miscarriages are because the baby didn't form right. Not because the mother did anything wrong, not because it was anyone/s fault. It is just nature's way. The other 5% is generally because the mother's uterus was unable to hold the baby or another medical reasoning. It is hardly ever the mother's fault and I hope no one ever blames themselves.

I had my last period on 3/1/2013. I was supposed to start my period 3/30/2013. When I didn't, I immediately wrote it off to my irregular cycles since Bentley's birth, plus my PCOS and I thought nothing of it. After three weeks of no period, I decided to test just to make sure since we were going to be participating in non pregnant friendly activities on vacation. (ex: drinking, scuba diving, zip line, etc) I took a test on 4/19/2013. I was very very positive. Off of my last period, this would make me 7w0d.

I immediately felt overwhelmed with happiness and excitement. I had really bad baby fever, and although we weren't trying, I wanted a baby. We also weren't preventing. I just never thought this could happen after it was so hard to conceive Bentley, I had PCOS, etc. It was my miracle baby. I called the doctor that morning and ordered a blood test. She called and said it was positive and my levels were 1088. Those numbers were more so in the range of 4-5 weeks pregnant. I never even thought anything was wrong, I just assumed that I ovulated late. No big deal. She ordered and ultrasound for a more accurate due date.

I went in on Monday, just for a check up. I was so excited! She said my uterus felt about 8 weeks and so she ordered an ultrasound for the 24th. I just couldn't believe this was real and was all happening. I washed all of Bentley's newborn clothes, starting picking out names, washed his bassinet, everything! We went in for an ultrasound on Wednesday. I was so excited to see my baby!!! I was seriously counting down the hours.

Wednesday came. 4:30, we went in. She said I was almost 8 weeks so she could do an abdominal ultrasound rather than a vaginal. She started looking and said the sac was measuring 5 weeks. I said that made sense since my levels were low. She said I probably just ovulated later than I thought and to come back in a week to make sure the baby was growing. I, again, didn't think anything was wrong adn was just excited to see my baby again.

I had an appt with a new doctor the following day. He checked everything and said I was measuring 8 weeks by uterus but my levels were still 1088. I was concerned for the first time. Your HCG levels should double every 48 hours, so why were mine the same as last week? He said sometimes levels don't double and that they can rise very slowly, and not to worry. He said its possible that the baby stopped growing at that point but he would schedule an ultrasound.

My heart dropped. I tried to stay positive, tried not to panic. How on Earth do you not panic when something could possibly be wrong with your baby?! I prayed. I prayed so hard that God wouldn't take my baby away from me. I prayed that he let me keep my little angel and keep him safe. I told him my herat wasn't ready for a loss and that I wanted this so bad.

I started bleeding that night.

At first is was hardly anything, a few spots when I wiped and dark blood. I wrote it off to implantation bleeding and tried to stay strong. I talked to Janielle and she kept me calm. I continued to bleed and once it turned bright red, I went to the ER.

I arrived around 11:00 at night. All the kids were in bed and David stayed home. I couldn't hold it in anymore and I broke down. Please God don't this baby away from me. It's my miracle. It made me so happy, please don't do this. I could hardly talk to the nurse and give him my information because I was crying so hard. I went back into a room, they drew blood, they did an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed an empty sac measuring 5w0d, the blood came back with levels of 1080.

I explained to the doctor that my levels were higher yesterday and what all was said. He told me that there was a 50/50 chance I would miscarry and to prepare myself. He said if I started losing clots and cramping, that I was losing the baby. He wanted me to stay from my Rhogam shot and fluids. I was there for another two hours. When I stood up to change, I lost a huge clot. Maybe the size of a golf ball? I lost it.

I knew what was happening and just couldn't handle it. I had just wrapped my heart around another baby. I had gotten so excited and it was being ripped away from me. To watch the blood come out, knowing it was my baby was horrifying. There are no words to explain what I felt.

I told David what had happened. I tried not to cry and I told him we would be okay and that it all happened for a reason. I drew a bath and cried like a helpless child.

The next morning I woke up bleeding heavily and the cramps started. The cramps were worse than labor with Bentley. It hurt. My heart hurt worse. I hugged the boys tight and just thanked God for my blessings and that I knew he had a plan for me. I told him I was sad and I didn't understand but that I trusted him. I thanked him for the kids' health and all the good I had in my life.

The bleeding slowly got lighter and the cramps have subsided. I am okay. I still cry once in a while, mostly thinking of the what ifs. What would he/she look like? what would they be? boy or girl? All those beautiful things you contemplate of your unborn child. David told me that it would be okay. I was attached to a new baby, that I was attached to being pregnant. He said we would have those things again and to not be sad.

I am so thankful for him. So here we are today, 5 days after. I am bleeding very lightly, no cramps and in a good place. I am still sad, but I am thankful for what I have. I know God has a plan for me and although I may not understand it, I trust it. Life goes on. We will try for another baby and I hope that we get blessed again. I love my husband so much. I also can't thank you all enough for the support and love you all have shown.

Don't be sad for me. I have an amazing life. It'll happen again and it will all be so wonderful.

The darkest storms produce the brightest rainbows. <3