I haven't been on here since the miscarriage. (11 weeks ago)
I haven't been in a place to really express my emotions.
Okay, I guess I more so didn't have a grip on my emotions.
How does one deal with something so intangible?
I can't grasp the emotions.
I would 18 weeks pregnant today, 18 weeks.
I would be finding out the gender.
I would be making a registry of pink or blue.
I would be deciding on a name, Madison or Kyson.
I would be setting up the nursery to fit another little blessing.
One more miracle.
But my baby was just too beautiful for this Earth. God needed someone so beautiful by his side in Heaven. My baby is now an angel. There is no higher compliment.
Although I wished to sit my baby in my lap and teach them about the amazing God, maybe God can sit my baby in his lap and teach him about their Mom.
There's no better salt to the wound of miscarriage than a failed cycle of TTC. I wouldn't have to try if my baby wasn't taken away from me.
Two cycles in and I feel like I've lost hope. I won't give up.
I'll hold my angel in my heart and I will carry on, again.
Saturday, July 6
My Mother
My Mother, oh what a woman she is.
She taught me that their is no religion. That religion is nothing more than a personal relationship between a person and God. It doesn't matter what book you follow, what church you attend, or what your lifestyle is. God loves us. End of story.
She taught me to pray at every car accident I see. To pray for the those involved, their families, their recovery, the doctors, everything. Pray for a safe drive home.
She taught me that more clothes is better. She taught me that less makeup is better.
She taught me that sex isn't about marriage, but a love. It is an act of love.
She taught me to never hurt. Whether someone is being rude of judgmental towards me, it is nothing more but an opportunity to prove my heart.
My Mother, oh what a woman she is.
She taught me that their is no religion. That religion is nothing more than a personal relationship between a person and God. It doesn't matter what book you follow, what church you attend, or what your lifestyle is. God loves us. End of story.
She taught me to pray at every car accident I see. To pray for the those involved, their families, their recovery, the doctors, everything. Pray for a safe drive home.
She taught me that more clothes is better. She taught me that less makeup is better.
She taught me that sex isn't about marriage, but a love. It is an act of love.
She taught me to never hurt. Whether someone is being rude of judgmental towards me, it is nothing more but an opportunity to prove my heart.
My Mother, oh what a woman she is.
Infinity.
Where has the time gone?
I've been away from you for far too long. I need to vent. I need to feel my expressions releasing from the pounding of my fingertips on the keyboard. Life is chaotic. Not my normal chaos of appointments, school functions, obligations, and five rowdy children. My mind is emotionally distraught.
The serenity of clarity is non existent at the moment. I distinguish one mindful fire and the dimming sparks ignites another of twice the confusion.
I am strong. I will get through this.
Tonight, I type.
I've been away from you for far too long. I need to vent. I need to feel my expressions releasing from the pounding of my fingertips on the keyboard. Life is chaotic. Not my normal chaos of appointments, school functions, obligations, and five rowdy children. My mind is emotionally distraught.
The serenity of clarity is non existent at the moment. I distinguish one mindful fire and the dimming sparks ignites another of twice the confusion.
I am strong. I will get through this.
Tonight, I type.
Tuesday, April 30
Carry on.
I wasn't going to go into detail really about what exactly had happened, I wanted to just accept it and move on. I have been shown so much support and love from everyone, that I want to help in any way I can.
I know there's a lot of people who have suffered through miscarriages themselves and also a lot who haven't and are curious about it. I'm hoping this can help someone in some way, whether it be to educate, help understand, help cope, or whatever.
1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Surprised? Me too. It seems unreal that it's that common. However, at 12 weeks, the risk goes down from 22% to 6%, and at 20 weeks it goes to less than 2%. Miscarriages are common, heartbreaking and scary. But don't let that keep you from trying to conceive or let it worry you about current?future pregnancies. 95% of miscarriages are because the baby didn't form right. Not because the mother did anything wrong, not because it was anyone/s fault. It is just nature's way. The other 5% is generally because the mother's uterus was unable to hold the baby or another medical reasoning. It is hardly ever the mother's fault and I hope no one ever blames themselves.
I had my last period on 3/1/2013. I was supposed to start my period 3/30/2013. When I didn't, I immediately wrote it off to my irregular cycles since Bentley's birth, plus my PCOS and I thought nothing of it. After three weeks of no period, I decided to test just to make sure since we were going to be participating in non pregnant friendly activities on vacation. (ex: drinking, scuba diving, zip line, etc) I took a test on 4/19/2013. I was very very positive. Off of my last period, this would make me 7w0d.
I immediately felt overwhelmed with happiness and excitement. I had really bad baby fever, and although we weren't trying, I wanted a baby. We also weren't preventing. I just never thought this could happen after it was so hard to conceive Bentley, I had PCOS, etc. It was my miracle baby. I called the doctor that morning and ordered a blood test. She called and said it was positive and my levels were 1088. Those numbers were more so in the range of 4-5 weeks pregnant. I never even thought anything was wrong, I just assumed that I ovulated late. No big deal. She ordered and ultrasound for a more accurate due date.
I went in on Monday, just for a check up. I was so excited! She said my uterus felt about 8 weeks and so she ordered an ultrasound for the 24th. I just couldn't believe this was real and was all happening. I washed all of Bentley's newborn clothes, starting picking out names, washed his bassinet, everything! We went in for an ultrasound on Wednesday. I was so excited to see my baby!!! I was seriously counting down the hours.
Wednesday came. 4:30, we went in. She said I was almost 8 weeks so she could do an abdominal ultrasound rather than a vaginal. She started looking and said the sac was measuring 5 weeks. I said that made sense since my levels were low. She said I probably just ovulated later than I thought and to come back in a week to make sure the baby was growing. I, again, didn't think anything was wrong adn was just excited to see my baby again.
I had an appt with a new doctor the following day. He checked everything and said I was measuring 8 weeks by uterus but my levels were still 1088. I was concerned for the first time. Your HCG levels should double every 48 hours, so why were mine the same as last week? He said sometimes levels don't double and that they can rise very slowly, and not to worry. He said its possible that the baby stopped growing at that point but he would schedule an ultrasound.
My heart dropped. I tried to stay positive, tried not to panic. How on Earth do you not panic when something could possibly be wrong with your baby?! I prayed. I prayed so hard that God wouldn't take my baby away from me. I prayed that he let me keep my little angel and keep him safe. I told him my herat wasn't ready for a loss and that I wanted this so bad.
I started bleeding that night.
At first is was hardly anything, a few spots when I wiped and dark blood. I wrote it off to implantation bleeding and tried to stay strong. I talked to Janielle and she kept me calm. I continued to bleed and once it turned bright red, I went to the ER.
I arrived around 11:00 at night. All the kids were in bed and David stayed home. I couldn't hold it in anymore and I broke down. Please God don't this baby away from me. It's my miracle. It made me so happy, please don't do this. I could hardly talk to the nurse and give him my information because I was crying so hard. I went back into a room, they drew blood, they did an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed an empty sac measuring 5w0d, the blood came back with levels of 1080.
I explained to the doctor that my levels were higher yesterday and what all was said. He told me that there was a 50/50 chance I would miscarry and to prepare myself. He said if I started losing clots and cramping, that I was losing the baby. He wanted me to stay from my Rhogam shot and fluids. I was there for another two hours. When I stood up to change, I lost a huge clot. Maybe the size of a golf ball? I lost it.
I knew what was happening and just couldn't handle it. I had just wrapped my heart around another baby. I had gotten so excited and it was being ripped away from me. To watch the blood come out, knowing it was my baby was horrifying. There are no words to explain what I felt.
I told David what had happened. I tried not to cry and I told him we would be okay and that it all happened for a reason. I drew a bath and cried like a helpless child.
The next morning I woke up bleeding heavily and the cramps started. The cramps were worse than labor with Bentley. It hurt. My heart hurt worse. I hugged the boys tight and just thanked God for my blessings and that I knew he had a plan for me. I told him I was sad and I didn't understand but that I trusted him. I thanked him for the kids' health and all the good I had in my life.
The bleeding slowly got lighter and the cramps have subsided. I am okay. I still cry once in a while, mostly thinking of the what ifs. What would he/she look like? what would they be? boy or girl? All those beautiful things you contemplate of your unborn child. David told me that it would be okay. I was attached to a new baby, that I was attached to being pregnant. He said we would have those things again and to not be sad.
I am so thankful for him. So here we are today, 5 days after. I am bleeding very lightly, no cramps and in a good place. I am still sad, but I am thankful for what I have. I know God has a plan for me and although I may not understand it, I trust it. Life goes on. We will try for another baby and I hope that we get blessed again. I love my husband so much. I also can't thank you all enough for the support and love you all have shown.
Don't be sad for me. I have an amazing life. It'll happen again and it will all be so wonderful.
The darkest storms produce the brightest rainbows. <3
I know there's a lot of people who have suffered through miscarriages themselves and also a lot who haven't and are curious about it. I'm hoping this can help someone in some way, whether it be to educate, help understand, help cope, or whatever.
1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Surprised? Me too. It seems unreal that it's that common. However, at 12 weeks, the risk goes down from 22% to 6%, and at 20 weeks it goes to less than 2%. Miscarriages are common, heartbreaking and scary. But don't let that keep you from trying to conceive or let it worry you about current?future pregnancies. 95% of miscarriages are because the baby didn't form right. Not because the mother did anything wrong, not because it was anyone/s fault. It is just nature's way. The other 5% is generally because the mother's uterus was unable to hold the baby or another medical reasoning. It is hardly ever the mother's fault and I hope no one ever blames themselves.
I had my last period on 3/1/2013. I was supposed to start my period 3/30/2013. When I didn't, I immediately wrote it off to my irregular cycles since Bentley's birth, plus my PCOS and I thought nothing of it. After three weeks of no period, I decided to test just to make sure since we were going to be participating in non pregnant friendly activities on vacation. (ex: drinking, scuba diving, zip line, etc) I took a test on 4/19/2013. I was very very positive. Off of my last period, this would make me 7w0d.
I immediately felt overwhelmed with happiness and excitement. I had really bad baby fever, and although we weren't trying, I wanted a baby. We also weren't preventing. I just never thought this could happen after it was so hard to conceive Bentley, I had PCOS, etc. It was my miracle baby. I called the doctor that morning and ordered a blood test. She called and said it was positive and my levels were 1088. Those numbers were more so in the range of 4-5 weeks pregnant. I never even thought anything was wrong, I just assumed that I ovulated late. No big deal. She ordered and ultrasound for a more accurate due date.
I went in on Monday, just for a check up. I was so excited! She said my uterus felt about 8 weeks and so she ordered an ultrasound for the 24th. I just couldn't believe this was real and was all happening. I washed all of Bentley's newborn clothes, starting picking out names, washed his bassinet, everything! We went in for an ultrasound on Wednesday. I was so excited to see my baby!!! I was seriously counting down the hours.
Wednesday came. 4:30, we went in. She said I was almost 8 weeks so she could do an abdominal ultrasound rather than a vaginal. She started looking and said the sac was measuring 5 weeks. I said that made sense since my levels were low. She said I probably just ovulated later than I thought and to come back in a week to make sure the baby was growing. I, again, didn't think anything was wrong adn was just excited to see my baby again.
I had an appt with a new doctor the following day. He checked everything and said I was measuring 8 weeks by uterus but my levels were still 1088. I was concerned for the first time. Your HCG levels should double every 48 hours, so why were mine the same as last week? He said sometimes levels don't double and that they can rise very slowly, and not to worry. He said its possible that the baby stopped growing at that point but he would schedule an ultrasound.
My heart dropped. I tried to stay positive, tried not to panic. How on Earth do you not panic when something could possibly be wrong with your baby?! I prayed. I prayed so hard that God wouldn't take my baby away from me. I prayed that he let me keep my little angel and keep him safe. I told him my herat wasn't ready for a loss and that I wanted this so bad.
I started bleeding that night.
At first is was hardly anything, a few spots when I wiped and dark blood. I wrote it off to implantation bleeding and tried to stay strong. I talked to Janielle and she kept me calm. I continued to bleed and once it turned bright red, I went to the ER.
I arrived around 11:00 at night. All the kids were in bed and David stayed home. I couldn't hold it in anymore and I broke down. Please God don't this baby away from me. It's my miracle. It made me so happy, please don't do this. I could hardly talk to the nurse and give him my information because I was crying so hard. I went back into a room, they drew blood, they did an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed an empty sac measuring 5w0d, the blood came back with levels of 1080.
I explained to the doctor that my levels were higher yesterday and what all was said. He told me that there was a 50/50 chance I would miscarry and to prepare myself. He said if I started losing clots and cramping, that I was losing the baby. He wanted me to stay from my Rhogam shot and fluids. I was there for another two hours. When I stood up to change, I lost a huge clot. Maybe the size of a golf ball? I lost it.
I knew what was happening and just couldn't handle it. I had just wrapped my heart around another baby. I had gotten so excited and it was being ripped away from me. To watch the blood come out, knowing it was my baby was horrifying. There are no words to explain what I felt.
I told David what had happened. I tried not to cry and I told him we would be okay and that it all happened for a reason. I drew a bath and cried like a helpless child.
The next morning I woke up bleeding heavily and the cramps started. The cramps were worse than labor with Bentley. It hurt. My heart hurt worse. I hugged the boys tight and just thanked God for my blessings and that I knew he had a plan for me. I told him I was sad and I didn't understand but that I trusted him. I thanked him for the kids' health and all the good I had in my life.
The bleeding slowly got lighter and the cramps have subsided. I am okay. I still cry once in a while, mostly thinking of the what ifs. What would he/she look like? what would they be? boy or girl? All those beautiful things you contemplate of your unborn child. David told me that it would be okay. I was attached to a new baby, that I was attached to being pregnant. He said we would have those things again and to not be sad.
I am so thankful for him. So here we are today, 5 days after. I am bleeding very lightly, no cramps and in a good place. I am still sad, but I am thankful for what I have. I know God has a plan for me and although I may not understand it, I trust it. Life goes on. We will try for another baby and I hope that we get blessed again. I love my husband so much. I also can't thank you all enough for the support and love you all have shown.
Don't be sad for me. I have an amazing life. It'll happen again and it will all be so wonderful.
The darkest storms produce the brightest rainbows. <3
Monday, April 29
Miscarriage.
I wasn't quite sure what to write. I actually wasn't quite sure if I wanted to post this at all.
I had a miscarriage.
Is there any less insensitive way to put it? My heart aches. My stomach hurts. My tears won't stop. But I know, without a doubt, that this happened for a reason. There was a lesson to be learned, and this isn't the end. Life has many ups and downs. You have to take the good with the bad, and embrace the best of it all. I am sad, I am disappointed, I feel an emptiness that no one and nothing could fill. But I am okay.
Don't feel sorry for me. This has opened my eyes at the very least, to many many things. One, my life is amazing. I have an amazing hubsnad who showed me an understated amount of love and support through this all. I have five amazing kids who make my world go round and bring me so much joy. The sadness will pass, the tears will dry, the pain will end. Life goes on.
We aren't trying for another baby, however, we are not preventing one either. If God sees fit to bless us again, than I will be overjoyed!! But my life is amazing, and I don't take that for granted.
I had a miscarriage.
Is there any less insensitive way to put it? My heart aches. My stomach hurts. My tears won't stop. But I know, without a doubt, that this happened for a reason. There was a lesson to be learned, and this isn't the end. Life has many ups and downs. You have to take the good with the bad, and embrace the best of it all. I am sad, I am disappointed, I feel an emptiness that no one and nothing could fill. But I am okay.
Don't feel sorry for me. This has opened my eyes at the very least, to many many things. One, my life is amazing. I have an amazing hubsnad who showed me an understated amount of love and support through this all. I have five amazing kids who make my world go round and bring me so much joy. The sadness will pass, the tears will dry, the pain will end. Life goes on.
We aren't trying for another baby, however, we are not preventing one either. If God sees fit to bless us again, than I will be overjoyed!! But my life is amazing, and I don't take that for granted.
Tuesday, April 23
7 weeks pregnant
I did weekly updates on cravings, feelings, symptoms etc with Bentley, and I would like to do the same with this pregnancy. So far, this pregnancy is 100% different than Bentley's pregnancy. I had STRONG symptoms starting at 3 weeks with Ben. I craved tacos. We had tacos for dinner every single night for two weeks straight! I also started puking my brains out around the same time. I couldn't keep anything down. It was all day and lasted the entire pregnancy. I had horrible back pain as well. So far with this baby, nothing. No cravings, no pain, no nausea, nothing!! Knock on wood. I'm happy, but I wish I felt more "pregnant" I am bloated though, my belly is getting tight.
I'm not showing yet, but I do think I will start showing earlier this time around. I'm guessing a pooch around 12 weeks or sooner. I absolutely love being pregnant. I loved the belly, the kicks, the instant love without ever seeing your baby, the ultrasounds, every bit is amazing.
I also have my first ultrasound of little dude tomorrow. I am so excited!! I can't wait. All I am hoping for is a strong heart beat and healthy baby. I'll also get a more accurate sizing and due date. Yay!
Thank you God for this little angel of mine. You've made me so incredibly happy. Thank you babe, you're my strength and I love you to the moon and back. <3
This was Bentley's ultrasound at 6 weeks. His heartrate was 181!!!
I'm not showing yet, but I do think I will start showing earlier this time around. I'm guessing a pooch around 12 weeks or sooner. I absolutely love being pregnant. I loved the belly, the kicks, the instant love without ever seeing your baby, the ultrasounds, every bit is amazing.
I also have my first ultrasound of little dude tomorrow. I am so excited!! I can't wait. All I am hoping for is a strong heart beat and healthy baby. I'll also get a more accurate sizing and due date. Yay!
Thank you God for this little angel of mine. You've made me so incredibly happy. Thank you babe, you're my strength and I love you to the moon and back. <3
This was Bentley's ultrasound at 6 weeks. His heartrate was 181!!!
Monday, April 22
and then there were six....
Yep! Bentley is going to be a big brother!! Shocked? Ya, so am I. David and I did not plan on getting pregnant, we had actual joked a few times about how a baby would be too much right now and we had so much going on. Apparently God had other plans in mind for us. Honestly at first, I was shocked and in disbelief. How could this happen when it was so hard to conceive Bentley? It's our little miracle baby.
As shock wears off, I am becoming more and more excited. This baby is my miracle. I love this baby so much and am incredibly blessed. Thank you God for blessing me with this baby and bringing him into our lives. I am so thankful.
We are about 7 weeks and due December 6th. A little winter baby!!
11 months
Benny is 11 months today. He crawls like a crazy man, sings along. mimics sounds (not words), eats anything and everything but his favorite is pancakes! I can't believe I made something so perfect. He's just so gorgeous. There's moments when he looks exactly like his Daddy, but for the most part, I think he looks like Mommy. I'm just so proud of my little dude, being a mother is the most amazing feeling in the entire world. He could just smile at me, and make my darkest day a great one. My kids and my kids alone are reason enough to be the best person I can. They make my world go round. Happy 11 months chunks.
Distance
I haven't been on here in an embarrassing amount of time. I've been busy cuddling my babies, cleaning up messes, making memories, and well, quite frankly, being a good mother. However, I do plan to be on here more because i love the thought of this being a baby book but for the whole family. Documenting thoughts, memories, trips, etc and the emotion that was felt at that time. I've tried to keep up with this before but I am hoping I can this time!
Tuesday, November 6
My Buckaroo
I'm not gonna lie, I wanted my baby to be a mama's boy. Bentley... isn't. He just adores his Daddy. Everything David does or says, Bentley just soaks it all in. He stares at David nonstop and gets the BIGGEST smile when he walks in the door. I honestly thought I would be jealous, maybe even a little heart broken... is that horrible? But I wasn't. Seeing Bentley cherish his Dad so much just melts my heart. It reminds me of that song "Buckaroo" by Rodney Atkins. Bentley is going to grow up and mimic everything David does, and thats okay because the best cowboys learn from their Daddy's.
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